Ask SST: What to Do When Your Partner’s Bandmates Hate You
WRITTEN BY SAMMI CARAMELA (SST MEMBER, WRITER & EDITOR)
Hi, SST fam! We recently opened an advice column for members to anonymously submit their questions or conflicts. We hope you enjoy this new initiative!
Now, let’s get into this month’s submission…
SST Member: Due to some of my partner's mental health issues and subsequent relationship challenges, my partner's band (2/3 of them at least) doesn’t like me. I feel blamed for stuff that wasn’t my fault, and they think I’m a bad person. Additionally, one band member in particular (who is mostly in charge) is highly controlling.
How do I handle band members who don’t like me?
Sammi of SST: This is an extremely distressing situation, and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing it! I just want to say that I completely relate to you—perhaps not in this exact context, but in a more general sense.
As a chronic people-pleaser, I can’t help but want everyone to like/approve of me. This is especially common in romantic relationships, where we invest much of our time and energy into our person. Of course, we want those closest to them to like us! The fact that you’re upset about their apparent dislike of you is just proof that you care.
As unhelpful as this might seem (and at the risk of sounding like Mel Robbins), I’m going to give you the same advice I’ve given myself in similar situations: Let them hate you. Let them misunderstand you. Let them think whatever they want to think about you. As long as you know yourself and your intentions, and are proud of (or actively working on) them, you’re solid.
You’re not dating the bandmates; they’re not dating you. Only you and your partner know the ins and outs of your relationship; and quite frankly, it’s no one else’s business.
Dating a touring musician is already difficult, as it comes with months of separation, long distance, different time zones, busy schedules, and sacrifice. Naturally, this adds a layer of stress and pressure to even the healthiest of relationships. I sometimes find myself feeling insecure when arguing with or speaking to my boyfriend while he’s on tour, as I know there are people around at all times, and miscommunications happen easily. It’s certainly not the most ideal situation for either of us, but it is what it is, and we make it work as best as we can—without expecting perfection from each other.
Now, I’m not sure of the exact reasons why your partner’s bandmates dislike you, but odds are, they aren’t empathizing with your position. I’m not saying they’re at fault for this, as much of the time, we live in our own worlds and judge based on our own perspectives/lived experiences. Their lack of approval likely isn’t personal. It’s not a reflection of you.
