Ask SST: Where Do I Fit In?
WRITTEN BY SAMMI CARAMELA (SST MEMBER, WRITER & EDITOR)
Hi, SST fam! We opened an advice column for members to anonymously submit their questions or conflicts. We hope you enjoy this new initiative!
Now, let’s get into this month’s submission…
SST Member: When my husband gets super busy with an upcoming event that he needs to focus on, I feel like he forgets about me. He gets tunnel vision, and it's really hurtful. Any advice on how to handle that?
Sammi of SST: Sammi of SST: I completely relate to this submission and understand the feeling of neglect that accompanies it. It’s easy for our partners to get caught up with their work, especially before upcoming events. However, it’s also important for your husband to still show up for you, the way you do for him.
In this situation, I would approach him with honest communication. Try not to accuse him of forgetting about you, as I’m sure that’s not actually the case (just how it feels to you, which is valid). Instead, express that you feel hurt and pushed to the side, and see how he responds to this. Is he defensive and annoyed, or is he understanding and willing to meet you halfway?
I faced a similar issue with my boyfriend early in our relationship, as I was still adjusting to him touring. I felt like the days leading up to his tours were filled with packing, rehearsals, merch prep, travel logistics, family obligations, etc.—all of which were completely valid, of course. But it’s easy to feel neglected when you’re fitting into someone else’s schedule and focusing so much on their life/career most of the time. Even on those shorter tours, when he would be gone for 3-4 weeks, I felt like I barely saw him leading up to it, which made the time apart even heavier and seemingly longer.
When I expressed this to him, my boyfriend did a 180 and began to prioritize quality time before tours. And I, on the other hand, began diving headfirst into my own passions (even more so than usual!) whenever he was in pre-tour mode. That way, it was a slow adjustment to him leaving, and I wasn’t neglecting myself in the process.
Asking for attention from your partner does not make you needy or selfish, especially in a relationship dynamic that requires a lot of space and distance. Your feelings matter, and you deserve to be a priority, too. If you both can approach the issue as a team (rather than you vs. him), you’ll likely come out of it feeling much more prioritized rather than forgotten.
